The Pain of Knowing
by Gemini5
Summary: Sometimes the pain of knowing a secret truth can tear you apart inside


Disclaimer: They're mine, ALL MINE!!! Oh what are you gonna do about it huh? Take my cat away from me? I'd like to see you try! At least when they sue me I can use this to back up my insanity plea ;-)   
Rating: PG   
Author's Notes: Howdy, this is my first finished X Men fic. It's inspired by the book. I saw the movie and thought what a wonderful couple Rogue and Wolverine would make, but I thought it would never happen. Then I borrowed the novelization from my friend to see what they were thinking. I was like holy crap there really is something there! So if you're a Logan/Rogue shipper and haven't read the book go do it, it will add even more fuel to the fire!   
  
Summary: Rogue knows something no one else does.  
  
The Pain of Knowing   
By: Gemini   
  
Rogue sat at the window absently fingering the metal around her neck. Her gaze drifted out to the approaching twilight, and a quiet sigh escaped her lips. She was waiting. Everyone in the mansion knew she was waiting. Of course, they all thought she was waiting for Wolverine. In a way they were right, her ears strained to hear the powerful motorcycle come zipping up the path. Her eyes couldn't help but search for that familiar figure striding towards the front door. But right now, her attention was focused skyward, waiting for the stars to appear. Waiting for *their* stars to appear.   
  
The ritual had been the same every night since he left. After the first few days Jean had stopped trying to make her come away from the window. Eventually, Bobby and the other students stopped asking too. Sometimes she could hear them talking about her in quiet concerned tones. Now, when their eyes met hers they were filled with pity and a vague sadness. She would offer them a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and they would return the gesture. Once in a while she would catch one of the adults staring at her with a knowing look, after all, she was just a girl with a crush. All teenage girls get crushes...and get over them. Rogue could feel the bitterness rise within her. Let them whisper about her in sad voices. Let them look at her with pity. Let them smile their condescending little smiles, so confident in their assumptions. They didn't know, but she did. Rogue knew the truth and it was tearing her apart.  
  
It had all started the first night Logan left. She had known, even then, and he knew she knew. The look in his eyes said it all. She didn't want him to go and she told him so, but her plea sounded weak to her own ears. Rogue had him in her head and she knew he would leave. Logan couldn't deal with the truth yet, so he placed his dog tags in her hands and told her he'd be back for them. She could feel the unspoken promise in his words : I'll be back for you. And while she loved him for it, she hated him for it too.   
  
Once, in another time and place there had been a girl named Marie. She had been sweet, shy, and innocent. She thought the world was a beautiful place. Marie had loved to look at the stars, their pure beauty was almost tangible. But Marie died, and then nothing was tangible anymore. The night Logan left, Rogue stared out the window feeling hollow. When Rogue looked at the stars she saw the cold shiny eyes of hate staring down at her. But then she saw the two stars. It seemed as though they were isolated from the others. One was big and bright and shone with a intensity unsurpassed by any other in the night sky, or so it seemed to her. The other was small and pale. It looked lonely, if it was possible for stars to look lonely. The only star near it was the big bright one, as if it was the only one brave enough to come near. For the first time that day, Rogue let the tears rain down her face.   
  
At last the sky was completely enveloped by the darkness and the first stars became visible. Rogue had been thinking back to when she was that young girl in Mississippi. Now her ancient eyes looked at the stars. Sometimes she felt as old as they were. Every night she sat at the window and waited for them, emerge. Their stars, Logan and Marie's. Despite the resentful thoughts that tortured her mind and weighed heavily on her heart, she could never suppress the tiny grin when they first appeared. She still had an irrational fear that one time she would look out and they would be gone. Eventually they did appear though. Together, always together.  
  
Another tradition had evolved from these two extraordinary stars. "Stars light, stars bright, mah lucky stars Ah ask tonight. Ah wish Ah may, Ah wish Ah might, have my Logan home tonight," Rogue whispered low enough so no one could hear. Perhaps it was stupid not to want them to hear, but she didn't want them to know about their special stars. She knew they wouldn't laugh at her, hell some of the girls would probably think it was romantic. But, just like what she had seen in Logan's head, it was something she didn't want to share. As long as their stars were around, a small piece of Marie was kept alive inside of Rogue.   
  
It was so ironic. The very thing that she was fighting so hard to keep alive, was at the same time slowly killing her. And yet she couldn't, or rather wouldn't, let it go. She had trusted Logan from the first, letting her instincts guide her. She had given him the name she had not spoken since she the night left Mississippi, the name of the person that she thought had died with at the first touch of a boy's lips. Rogue could barely contain the bitter laugh that welled up inside her. Obviously she had been wrong. Logan brought Marie to the surface, promised to protect her, and even saved her life. And Logan had fallen in love with her.   
  
That was the big secret that no one knew. Everyone thought he was in love with Jean. It was true that he lusted after her, but then again, so did every male in the school. Jean Grey was probably the most beautiful person that Rogue had ever seen, and she understood the attraction, but everyone in the school didn't have the benefit of Logan's thoughts and memories in their head. What he felt for Jean was pure animal lust through and through.  
  
When he had first picked Marie up, he didn't know why. He was not a do gooder, it's not the predator's nature to protect the weak, but he made and exception for her. He had put his life on the line several times, all for her. He found himself actually caring about someone and it felt good. After the first touch he knew. She was the first person that had ever seen inside his soul. She had seen every terrible thing he had done, but she didn't run screaming. And so, Logan, the mighty Wolverine, had discovered his humanity in a seventeen year-old girl. And God help them both, he loved her.   
  
Rogue knew that this revelation had terrified him. It wasn't just the fact that he suddenly found himself in love. The age difference was a big factor, she was still jail bait as far as most states were concerned. Logan himself was unsure of his true age, perhaps even over hundred. Also, there was the slight obstacle of touch. Rogue was probably one of the few people that could kill Wolverine, and all she had to do was kiss him. That could really put a damper on a girl's love life. It was no wonder Logan left. He needed time to sort through everything, but he would be back.   
  
Everyday Rogue cursed that fact. Rogue hated the pain of knowing. It wasn't the that she didn't love him, she did, maybe even more than he loved her. But, if she didn't know how he felt and that he was coming back, maybe she could have convinced herself that it was just a crush. Maybe she could have accepted their pity and their smiles. Maybe then, she could have moved on with her life. And Rogue wanted nothing so badly then to move on with her life. Still, that little piece of Marie was inside of her, and she *did* know. And it was that small voice that made it impossible to lie to herself. It was what ripped her apart inside. It was the truth that kept her chained to the window night after night, wishing on stars and waiting for Logan to return.  



End file.
